Am I doing the right thing?

Something that I have continued to ponder is whether I am doing the right thing by sharing my story. I’m constantly filled with doubt and there are several reasons why.

For one, being open isn’t easy. It is actually something that I have been working on for the last couple of years. I realized that it’s a lot easier for people to understand you if they understand your background, your tramas, and your complicated story.

But, it’s not easy to be that honest and open about who you are. You worry that you’re telling too much and somehow giving ammunition to those who hate you. You’re also trying to protect those close to you.

It’s hard to synthesize it all, too. People are so utterly complicated. Our life stories are so long, it feels impossible to even tell the tale.

But, I was inspired to tell my tale because I had this deep desire for certain people close to me to really know me and really understand me. I was also inspired by a lot of my friends and coworkers who were bravely honest about their stories.

I suppose that I also feel uncomfortable because I never set out to be a blogger and never thought that I would be in as many news outlets as I was this last year.

I like recognition. I like knowing that I am well-regarded by others and that people know my name and who I am. But, I also feel uncomfortable with it at points.

It’s the usual “imposter” syndrome. I think about all the people going through things that are so much harder than what I am going through and I wonder if I am the right person to be telling the story. I think about my friend currently in a rehabilitation center or the woman who shared this message with me and I feel incredibly lucky.

I am also uncomfortable to a certain extent with self-promotion. It feels uncomfortable to tell people that I have a blog or mention my story write-ups or other successes. I feel like I’m being prideful or pompous.

But, then I remember that people do want to know. But, they can only know what actually gets shared. If you don’t tell someone, they may never find out.

I think most of all, I wonder if my sharing is making any impact or difference.

I started sharing because of how little I knew about covid. I hoped that I could help someone be less in the dark than I was. I keep sharing because I hope it is making a difference in some way to someone out there.

Recently, I had two really important conversations that reassured me.

My father told me how much impact my story had on my home church and how it turned some skeptics of the virus into believers.

I also spoke with a friend and she told me how much she and and her girlfriend enjoyed reading my posts and that it made her girlfriend, a fellow sufferer, feel less alone.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to know that. So, now I know that I can’t stop and I won’t stop.

I think about all the people who won’t or can’t tell their story like those I mentioned in my previous post. I want to speak for those who can’t and encourage those who are afraid. I want to educate anyone who might listen and comfort anyone I can.

Doubt is a monster who plagues us all and I can’t say that it won’t come for me again. But, for the time being, I’m moving forward confidently knowing that I am doing the right thing.

#covid