Energy Conservation

I currently have a backlog of posts that I want to write. But, of course, time has become a premium since I returned to work.

The last few weeks, I learned the hard way that I really need to still respect my energy limitations. I did a little too much activity and work suffered. My brain fog approached the red line. Rest became the only solution.

And then this past week, the pharmacy screwed up my refill and I ended up without one of my pills for 2 days and I hit the red line again.

And yet, I still can’t can’t stop these feelings of guilt for all the things that I can’t seem to manage to do.

I still haven’t been in person to my new church. I haven’t really been able to spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews and I have missed them so much.

I’m back to having issues keeping my house clean. An adequate amount of rest seems to mean that I have no time to see and be with my family. I also still haven’t solved the riddle of keeping myself fed.

I was proud of myself on Memorial Day. I made the choice to actually rest for part of the weekend. I had been very behind on emails and knew that I needed to catch up.

But, when I got to the point where they were more or less back under control, I fought back the voice inside me that told me that wasn’t good enough and I reminded myself that I wasn’t going to help things if I put myself back in the same position where I was overtired again.

I battle my internal voice often. Especially these days. It is the voice that constantly makes me feel uncomfortable for resting. Tells me that I should be doing something, even when I am not completely sure what that something is.

Sometimes, that voice is helpful. Right now, that voice feels lousy. It constantly piles internal guilt on me, telling me that I am letting people down, I am letting myself down, I’m useless and no good.

It’s really not easy when your job is helping people in crisis. If I miss a call or email, it really might be the difference between someone being homeless or not.

The battle with that inner voice lately has been intense. I tried to get a neutral outside voice by seeking counseling. But, the counselor ghosted me. And, wouldn’t you know it, I haven’t had time to seek a new one.

As I approach a very ominous anniversary- my covid anniversary, my life honestly feels like a riddle without an answer.

Do I know how to be Erica anymore?

When your normal life was full tilt and already time and energy consuming, what do you do when you have even less of these valuable resources?

#mentalhealth #brainfog #faith #spirituality #voicesofthevirus #chronicfatigue