I’m not dead…

I’m just doing my best to live.

I haven’t given any kind of update in a while. I just haven’t had lot of extra energy or brain capacity lately. I spend most of my energy on work.

I’ve also been guilty of some hyperfocus issues lately. Not enough time to work on projects for work that I have been really wanting to do. So, I’ll start working on them at odd times of night.

I learned that this is a thing that people with ADHD also have problems with sometimes.

I learned that my brain now has a lot in common with the brains of people with ADHD, including difficulty focusing, difficulty making decisions, and lack of object permanence.

I have also been dealing with dips in motivation. Most people don’t realize how much energy and planning goes into a good day for me.

I wake up, I put my day into my Day Optimizer app. Then, I start removing all the things that I don’t have time for- usually pretty important things. Then I am off to the races. It’s usually a full day of constant refocusing and reminding myself of things and running out of time and moving on to other tasks.

Then, when the day is over, it’s usually going through a whole robotic script to try to get myself to sleep. Sometimes, it’s easy. A lot of times, it’s not.

Then, of course, once I finally get to sleep, I ‘ll struggle to wake up the next morning. And let’s not forget that I may wake up randomly in the night or may have nightmares.

The only mini breaks that I get from this constant treadmill are weekends when I don’t go see my family or my friends or go to mass in person. But, then I miss my family and my friends or feel guilty about not going to mass in person.

But, when I go too long without breaks, I crash. I can’t think. I can’t make up my mind. I struggle with even basic decisions. I run out of energy and motivation to even try.

People may think that when I pray, I pray to be healed. Sometimes, I do. But, usually if I am praying for myself, I am praying just for the ability to manage my life. Ultimately, I’ll do what God wants me to do. I’ll run whatever race God sets before me. I just want the ability to do it.

#longhauler #neurology #faith #longcovid #chronicillness #chronicfatigue