It’s okay to just survive

This week was incredibly hard for me. Only my second week back at work and I ran into my monthly visitor. Or, more correctly, my monthly pillager.

I knew this day was coming. It was only a matter of time before I was going to be faced with trying to work while dealing with all the pain and symptoms that now come every month. I had already made up my mind that I was going to still work.

But it was still very hard. I very much went into survival mode this week. All attempts to be on any kind of normal schedule faded.

I worked mostly just propped up on pillows from a laying down position attached to heating pads and back massagers. And when I wasn’t working, I spent most of my time curled into a ball in my bed.

I was feeling very fatigued. The fatigue is worse during my cycle and the pills aren’t quite as effective. But I still can’t sleep.

I had trouble sleeping all week. And then Wednesday night, I found out that my grandfather died and I didn’t really sleep at all.

It was another moment of inevitability. My grandfather had been struggling with dementia and several other serious health issues for a very long time. He had recently been put on hospice and we all knew that it was just a matter of time. But it doesn’t stop it from being sad.

Now here I am having made it through the week. I’m staring at the mess and the ravages of this past week. I’m filled with a weird energy and emotion that I can only describe as uncomfortable.

Grief is strange that way. It takes so many forms.

As I started to get up and dressed this morning, I started trying to deal with everything that I am thinking and feeling. I reminded myself that it was okay to not feel okay.

It’s okay if I didn’t really thrive during this week. I made it. That’s a triumph in itself. Somedays, you just survive. It’s okay if some days that’s all you manage to do.