Mental health matters

It’s been quite a while since I dropped a written post. It’s been very difficult lately but I think I am ready to talk about it.

We all know that I speak truth often with a bit of reckless abandon because I care more about the impact that I might make to those who need to receive my message.

So here I go again. I have already disclosed to certain people and in certain spaces that I am currently battling a mental health crisis. Now, I am sharing a bit more about what’s going on with me right now in hopes that my openness helps someone and also helps explain to anybody who may have been hurt by my lack of responsiveness lately.

I am very, very sorry. I am doing my best.

The last 3 years have been some of the hardest of my life and I feel like I have been constantly embattled in one way or another.

The difficulty setting on my life just keeps going up and up. And this last year…wow. This last year feels like it has taken the cake.

I got demoted. My aunt entered hospice and died before I could see her. I wasn’t able to attend her funeral because I didn’t have enough money or enough PTO. Then, my friend died. She was a longhauler like me and I just didn’t see her death coming.

I have desperately been trying to go see my grandmother who is 93 before she becomes the next person that I never see again like my Grandpa who died during the lockdown, like my aunt, like my friend. But, I don’t have enough money or PTO and my grandmother is afraid that I will just make myself sicker if I try to go see her.

I recently returned my foster cat after a year of her being in my care and me honestly beginning to assume that she was a foster fail and was going to be my cat permanently.

Then, I hit my 3 year covid anniversary 3 days after I returned the cat.

Since my friend’s death, I had been having crying jags. They only got worse when I reached my covid anniversary. I found myself more and more often being reminded of one of my recent losses and tearing up.

Then the week after that, I just started feeling so exhausted- even more than normal. I honestly just assumed it was more fun with ME/CFS. But, even after getting rest, I realized that I had no motivation and that my brain was unfocused and scattered.

It started to get hard to think or get myself to do much of anything. Remembering to do and how to do even basic things became draining. I started to feel almost catatonic.

That’s when I realized that I was in trouble. I reached out to my friends and family and I am so incredibly grateful for them.

They have been so supportive and have been helping me try to stabilize myself and to fight through this.

In the meantime, I have been trying to reach out for professional help and just like with every other aspect of my disability, I have been having a really hard time getting the help that I need.

A constant refrain of mine is how ridiculous our Healthcare system is. Nowhere are our system’s issues clearer than when it comes to matters of mental health.

Trying to get mental health services has been a constant struggle.

The search has led to me having to try to use various programs which all seem to have their own problems.

It’s near impossible to find someone accessible and covered by insurance.

I am fortunate enough to be in a career where mental health is a big enough issue where you can get access to some mental health resources. But, even those are harder to use than you think.

My employee benefits (EAP) will give you 3 free therapy sessions when you have a mental health crisis. I recently learned that it is 3 sessions per issue too, which is nice. I honestly originally thought that I had used up my help for the year already fighting my first round of grief.

Still, as I mentioned, there are issues.

I used my EAP when I was mourning the death of my Aunt Terri. It got cut off abruptly. Apparently one of cancels or reschedules or journals that I did ended up counting towards a session. Next thing I know, I am cut off.

The State Bar will also give you 6 free sessions. It’s 6 free sessions a year for lawyers, which is very generous. But, what they do is give you a list of therapists to contact. Then, you still need to pick one from their short list and reach out.

I tried to use that program when I was grieving my grandpa. I gave up after the 2nd therapists in a row stopped responding to me and I never got scheduled.

Honestly, by far, the most accessible system is BetterHelp. But, it’s expensive. I have used this program on and off and by far, it’s been the most helpful. But, I keep having to discontinue when I run out of money because it isn’t covered by insurance.

I have had to start over again so often trying to explain over and over to a new person the incredibly complicated story of my background and the even more complicated story of the last 3 years.

I scheduled with yet another new therapist through BetterHelp. After meeting with me, she told me that I honestly needed more in-depth therapy than she could provide and told me that I really needed to see someone in person.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to throw shade at these programs or tell people not to use them. I’m glad they exist. The world would definitely be worse without these programs and without people at least being willing to try to work on these issues and make things better.

But, it’s definitely another learning moment for me. The last 3 years have taught me a lot about the crappy way in which we treat the disabled and also taught me a lot about just how tough all disabled people are.

But, you know who specifically is strong as hell? Anybody struggling with mental health issues or anyone who has had to pull themselves out of a dark place mentally because it actually is incredibly hard to do.

You have to really want to survive because the world doesn’t actually make it easy at all to try to get help, to try to pull yourself together and keep yourself together.

There was a therapist who wrote about her patients once. She said that her patients were the strongest people she knew.

She had this analogy where she said it was basically like a person hanging off a cliff asking for rope and she said that often what she is able to supply is not even rope. So then, the patient asks for twine or shoestring or anything. They will take even the littlest help, the littlest thing and they will use that try to try to hold on, to try to pull themselves up because they are fighting that hard to survive.

I remember reading that passage and being moved by it. But now, now that I see even more clearly how hard it really is, I have to say that those are the strongest people on earth.

But also, we really need to make this easier. Because I sure am tired of literally everything being a fight.

#longcovid #longhauler #mentalhealth #reflection #longcovid #disability #covid19