Reflections on Christmas

I’m taking a break today from posting about my symptoms. This being the Christmas season and the new year rapidly approaching, it felt like a good time to reflect.

It’s another day in the life for me. I’m still fighting with my disability insurance to process my claim. I’m still fighting with health insurance to approve the medicine that could help me with my fatigue enough so that I could return to work.

I’m still experimenting and attempting to battle my fatigue without medicine. It’s still not going very well. I’m still tired and I’m still so tired of being tired and I’m still having trouble with day-to-day activities like grooming, cooking, and keeping my home clean.

I still can’t get into a long-covid care center. I still have a million and one aches, pains, and complications without answers or treatment.

But, Christmas was wonderful for me. I didn’t get a lot of gifts and I asked for none at all. So, the gifts that I did get, I absolutely cherish.

I wanted very little. Mostly, I just wanted a break from this battle. And, for the most part, I got it. I temporarily let go of the fight against my fatigue and trying to stabilize myself in preparation for whatever future I am rapidly approaching. I slept, I ate bad foods, I watched all my favorite Christmas movies. It was great.

I’m Catholic. So, technically, the Christmas season continues. In years past, the tradition was always that the day after Christmas and for several days following, I would have my nieces and nephews and we would celebrate the 12 days of Christmas with a series of fun activities: movies, games, crafts, etc. I miss that so much this year.

As much as I would like to carry on celebrating and being in a holiday mood, I really can’t. My short-term medical leave is up on January 12th and before that day, I need to try to figure out the answer to an important question: am I capable of returning to work. Right now, I don’t actually know the answer.

It does bother me a bit to not have the answer. But, for the most part, I am peaceful. I know that God will chart a path forward for me to whatever shape that my future is supposed to take.

My job is a large part of my identity. I care immensely about my coworkers, about our clients, and about the social issues that we address. But, I am also a workaholic and frightfully ambitious. Ambition is not a bad thing. It’s important and it’s what’s gotten me this far in life. But, my ambition is also a temptress. It continuously threatens to lead me astray- away from what I really want out of my life, which is love and light.

The lockdown and my illness taught me two important things. First, the job, by itself, is not enough. Second, I am me with or without my job. I will always be a passionate advocate as long as my lungs draw air.

No matter what happens next, I hope I don’t forget that.

#covid #longhauler #spirituality #voicesofthevirus #longcovid #religion