Surrender

I have been on a journey the last couple of years in trying to surrender control of my life to God. It’s definitely not an easy thing. It’s a constant thing.

I have to keep reminding myself to stop worrying about the plans that I had for my life and what I want my life to be about in favour of what God wants for me and from me. His plan is way better than my plan anyway.

When I was at the height of my illness, I got sick and then I started to feel better and then I got way worse. Once that happened, I stayed sick for several weeks. I started to wonder if I was ever going to get better, if I was ever going to get well enough to return to work.

And at one point during all of it, I realised that I had absolutely no control over when I got better. I needed to surrender that fight to God. And I felt peace.

Not saying that I didn’t take medicine and that I didn’t try to do things to make myself feel better. I just realised that there was only so much that I can humanly do and I need to stop thinking that it was my job to do everything.

I needed to stop swimming against the rapids and instead float with them because that’s what it means to trust God. You let the water take you and trust that God will guide you through the rapids.

So, I took my medicine, I got rest, I did what I could to try to feel better. And I let the rest of it go. Or at least, that’s what I tried to do.

Again, it’s easier said than done. And there were still days that I would cry and feel it getting to me: the feeling that you’re not getting better. The fear that you never will. I battle it still.

But, the days when I could really focus on this idea and really surrender, I felt peace in my heart. Those days were easier days.

Eventually, I did start to feel a little better and I did attempt to return to work. And then, that didn’t work out.

Now, I am out on short term disability. My feelings while getting ready to be out on leave were complicated. I had this fear that I wouldn’t get better or at least I wouldn’t get better enough to return to work.

But, I was given another reminder recently about surrender and I am reminded again that I can’t really control what the future holds for me. I just have to trust that all will be as it is supposed to be.

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