Time For Some Positivity

After spending several posts talking more in-depth about my symptoms, I wanted to shift to a series of posts talking about about some things that come up over and over again in survivor groups, that we wish others would hear us on.

But, before I do, I wanted to take a break and talk about something else. I talk a lot about what is still wrong. Why? Because I want to be honest and open about how I am doing. Because I don’t want people to assume that I am doing better than I am or capable of more than I can realistically do. Also, because I want to warn people about the reality of what this is, that there is more than one danger that comes with catching covid, and that you should never take the disease lightly. But, sometimes focusing on what’s still wrong keeps me from seeing what has actually gotten better.

The gains are small and they are slow. So, a lot of times, all that you can see is how far away you still are from the person that you used to be. A lot of times, it takes someone outside the situation to point out all of the ways that you have improved. Recently, my mom helped me remember all the ways that I have slowly improved. And so, I wanted to put out a positive post and talk about the ways that I am better.

Even though I am still tired, I do have a bit more energy. I remember at the height of my illness, I could barely stand up or sit up. Right around the time that I first attempted to return to work, I got horribly sick after trying to fold my laundry.

The past version of me could never have done some of the things that I have done recently. I cleaned my home. Granted, I’m having a hard time keeping it clean. But, this was the first time it had been clean in so long. I put together an office chair. I’ve been putting it together since September and part of the reason why it took me so long was because brain fog made it super confusing. I did have to re-do several steps. But, I did it. I also successfully (after a few attempts) put together a tray for my keyboard. My home office has absolutely never been as functional as it is right now. And man, am I so proud of that.

These triumphs also made me realize part of why cooking has continued to be such a struggle. It’s not like putting together things, where if you screw up, you can just go back a step. A lot of times, with food, if you screw up, you have to start over. And so, I am finally going to take some advice that I have stubbornly avoided until now (mostly because of prideful reasons) and I’m going to start having someone be on video chat with me while I cook.

And my brain does work better. I’ve mentioned that before. My recall is better. There is still a delay, but I am able to remember more things and more words than I was before. I’ve also come up with more and more tricks to help me manage.

I’m also grateful for the parts of me that are still there. I remember my first try at returning to work. I was really afraid that I wouldn’t remember laws. I was afraid that I would lose all that I had learned.

The first day back, I was on a call and I remembered a particular random law. I believe it was the rule on how long a landlord has to execute a writ. I remember asking my boss to confirm that I was right and being so relieved when he told me that I was correct.

I also felt so relieved that I was able to remember enough about landlord-tenant law to provide some advice to my god-sister to help her try to fight her eviction.

I am acutely aware that there are many survivors suffering way more than me everyday. So, I am grateful for the things that I avoided. But, again, I also need to recognize the ways in which I have advanced in my own recovery.

That’s important and I am glad that my mom reminded me that in the sea of all these negative things and all that I have lost, it’s important to try to relish my small victories and little gains.

#covid #longcovid #positivity #voicesofthevirus